A new 12-step program for Baby Boomers

Hello.  My name in Pete Mitchell.  And I am not an alcoholic, or a drug addict.  Yet.  But I am enrolling myself into a new program that will hopefully turn me into one.

You see, I am a Baby Boomer.  I'm one of the tens of millions born between 1946 and 1964, an explosion in the birthrate that has wrought major changes in the way we work, the way government benefits are distributed, and the way we will be living our lives over the nest 15-20 years.

There's no escaping it.  The tide of Demographics moves slowly but is inexorable.  We will influence everything that happens over the nest couple of decades.  Which brings me to my issue:

I'm having emotional issues.  I'm having trouble sleeping--its not the quantity, mind you, it's the quality.  I'm taking a drug to prevent me from getting into Stage 5 sleep where all the REM activity occurs because the drug I'm taking to control my fast irregular heartbeats is causing terrible nightmares.  We're talking about eviscerated bodies, no-win scenarios, and highly perilous situations with few survivors.

I'm professionally under-fulfilled.  The market is changing and it's difficult to grasp how those changes will impact my company, a more "traditional" manufacturer/supplier to the channel.  Gift Cards and "Amazon-esque" solutions threaten us in ways we are only now imagining.  The stress level is higher than I'd prefer.

My emotions are a mess because my mother's cognitive skills are wasting away in front of me.  Each time i see her I wonder if this will be the last time I see her.  I also know this is the best cognitive condition I will ever see her in.  The future seems lousy.   Alcohol isn't dulling my mood any more.  It always did.

I have attempted to be more proactive.  I have been doing self-affirmation talks at night tn hopes that more pleasant dreams will follow.  I have asked for Christina Hendricks on multiple occasions.  She has not appeared.

I need a new path.  So, I've invented the Reverse 12-Step Program.  It allows me to get the help I need while solving my problems.  Now I don't wanna hear all the well-intended advice about how I'm "running" from the problem.  I am fully aware of the damage that substance abuse brings on families and individuals  So, let's learn a new word today --SATIRE.  And take two or three deep breaths besides.

My favorite website, www.despair.com, has a poster that says "Winners never quit.  And Quitters never win.  But people who never quit and never win are idiots."  This is the genesis from which the Reverse 12-step program is born.  So, I've taken the traditional 12-step program and turned it on its head.  Here's how it goes:

We:

1. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.  My doctor says I need drugs to have a chance at avoiding a systemic breakdown.  I wanna be powerless-perhaps the drugs will take effect faster...
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This power resides in Lilly, Pfizer, and Merck.  It appears my God has deserted me during this time of crisis.  
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  Since I'm having trouble decoding His/Her/Its completely oblique signals, I've come to the decision that I'm on my own here.  And being too messed up to separate good from bad, I need to turn to Our Lady of Perpetual Pharmaceuticals and the Patron Saint of Chemical Cures.  
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  And found myself wanting in almost every way humans are measured.  I cannot continue to function this way.   I will not continue to function this way.  Absent some more definitive sign from Him/Her/It I'm going my own way.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. It's in the wrong order--It should be to ourselves first, then to those we love, and to God last.  If God is omnipotent,  shouldn't He/She/It already know this?  What do I benefit from telling the Creator of the Universe that I've become cranky? Like this will be some sort of surprise to He/She/It?
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.  God doesn't root for sports teams, help you win the lottery, or get Kate Upton into bed.  Why on earth should he/she/it care about whether you drink too much?  If He/She/It cared, alcohol or drugs would kill humans on contact.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.  The accent here is "humbly".  If you get the Old Testament God you turn into a cinder.  Of course, He/She/It gave you those shortcomings.  That might be His/Her's/It's definition of "perfection" and removing them may be a cinder-causing insult.  Better think twice about that one.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.  Or better still, give them some of the stuff you're taking and they'll probably forgive you more easily.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  See above.  Don't bogart the good stuff.  
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.  I'll just Cowboy Up for everything now.  Do I get a Karmic Discount for spilling everything at once?
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Thinking I have the power to influence, or even get the attention of the Almighty Creator of the Universe is the height of human arrogance.  I can't summit it.  I'm on my own here.  
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  Gotta pass on this one too--there is no "one size fits all" approach to the reverse 12-step program.  We figure it out as we go,

I feel better already.  Not as good as I'm gonna feel when we chill my ass out and when I focus on only those things I have direct control/influence over and forget the stuff that doesn't matter.  Once you get where I am, only the Reverse 12-step program can save you.  And remember our motto:  

"Better Living Through Chemistry"

Pete